Dear,
You are my dearest, and closest, and most amazing friend I could ever ask for, and yet, all I want is to ask for more. I will never be able to thank you enough for sticking with me when things were at their worst; when I was at my darkest, and I couldn't see any way out, you were there. You treated me with the utmost kindness, love and compassion, and I have been only able to show you so little. Doing the best I can will never be enough, and never has been. You taught me to love myself, but to know when to fix and change when I need it.
For a time, I was the type of person who showed my "love and compassion" to people through gentle talk, kind, but shallow gestures, and perhaps even the few occasional genuine words, but you have helped me come to see that I must actually take sincere action and care when I want to show others that I truly love them--as a friend or how I like you; which is to say, even more.
I have been so misguided by this world, and so useless to those around me, but now you have helped me figure out how to do something about it. I will be forever grateful, and I will never be able to say it enough: words could never begin to describe the way I feel about you, or the person you are, or what you have done for me, because they would only diminish the true value. You are truly, genuinely, sincerely amazing, and the fact that I think love you **as a friend**: D .You are a blessing to this world, and everyone you reach.
When you look like you sometimes do, it is that which makes me wonder if maybe...
You don't know it, and I'm glad you don't, but when I see your smile, your tired eyes lightening a little, I play with the fantasy that maybe you do too and you just aren't telling. Because I know I certainly can't control the smile I reply with, nor the color that spreads over my pale cheeks. And I imagine you biting your lip like you're trying not to laugh, which makes me mirror that face, just because it looks so beautiful. Just like the circles under your eyes are perfect, the blemishes on your wrists and neck. Without them, you'd lose part of yourself, and though you're already "lost" to me beyond hope, it might break you into even more pieces for me to fit in together.
Enigmatic, like pieces of a puzzle that I know are here, I'm just too blind or ignorant to see them through everything else. I imagine your eyes are almost always distant and faded, just like mine, like you wish you were anywhere but here and in your mind; you are. Honestly, I can't say I blame you (because then I would be blaming myself too), but I can't say that I don't enjoy seeing the clouds clear every once in a while either. Maybe it seems like a strange comfort, but I like thinking that when I'm around, you seem brighter, or maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. In the meantime I'll just keep on blaming myself, but those thoughts keep me happy; and I try to keep you happy, and I just wish I was content with just leaving it that way.
And still, I'm not.
I'm never content in anything I feel or do. I always yearn for more, just like you. I try to accept the way things are, but as you already know, that's against my nature. I feel like trying to convince you to agree with me by saying insane phrases like, "Things are less complicated in their current state, but also less intriguing than I think they could be, if we tried
But I always manage to regain control over my rampant thoughts.
That's the problem with our alternate smiles, our tepid sadness, our personal darkness, and my own incessant worry: we never seem to have the proper time and place to work things out, the way we desperately need to. Maybe it's only me, but I'd like to think it isn't, though these things tend to turn out that way.
Of course, I'm too foolish, too young, and too scared to act on any of it, though you're always ever so inviting and it almost (but not quite) has me convinced, at times. My distrust of humanity seems to be inherent and I can never shake it enough to be honest with even myself. If only I could let myself forget. Forget my name and how I feel, and how I am, and who I am, and who I love and just...
But no.
Because that might lead to me forgetting about you (which I know isn't possible) and then I don't know what would be left for me, even if I wasn't myself. I need a reason for this, and my existential lamenting will get me nowhere but it's all I've ever known that's really mattered, even somewhat.
Except, of course, for you.
I now know why I cry so much about you. Because when I see you, I am looking into the face of an angel; my miracle. When you speak to me, I am hearing words of truth; your love. I know you can't appreciate these sorts of things from me, but from the moment I met you, I knew I had encountered something amazing and special. From the moment I was through being afraid of you, I saw you clearly for the first time, and what I saw was beautiful. I know now that, even if you don't believe it, I do love you. I must love you, it is my only explanation. And I will always love you, and it is my dearest wish, that our two paths cross someday, whether it be in this life or the next. May your prayers be answered and your dreams come true. Through meeting you, I know mine have.
Just know, remember, and hold close to your heart, that for my entire life and thereafter; and for all of eternity, you will be in my heart. And no matter the time or space in between, we will always love you with every inch of my being.
we love you.
Forever and always.
we love you.
With All My Love, My Tears, My Fantasies, And Fears,
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4 comments:
Wow...It's amazing that you were able to put a lot of my feelings into words like this...
Very nice letter...sad, touching, nice...
This made me cry. I have been becoming much more emotional lately.
Sadly, I have no best friend. *sigh*
eh2....
erm....
is it im not ur best frnd????
huhuhuhu T_T
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